DAY 296 -- TIES

I wear a tie to work, except on Fridays.  Ties are neck chokers.  Ties are the thing that bosses decided to make their employees humble so the employee would have to work in discomfort throughout the day.  Maybe he makes his employees wear a tie to cut off oxygen to the brain, or prevent employees from sleeping on the job.

I heard once, really I did read this in a reputable magazine that wearing a tie would reduce the years a man would live on earth in proportion to the days he wore a tie.  If I remember right, and I am sure I do forgetting how old I am and all the rude comments I always get from other younger employees, my boss included, this article said that if someone wears a tie for a five year period, he would lose two months of life on this earth.  If someone wore a tie for ten years, he would lose at least one year of life.  (I really can't remember with certainty any more statistics to share...) (But in reality, I can't remember with certainty the numbers I mentioned above either, but I am sure the numbers I quote were very close??? to the real ones I read once.)

Besides the reduction of life by wearing a neck choker, it is so difficult for me to see the importance of color coordination.  So often I get ready to walk out the door and Bonnie runs up to me and says, "You can't go to work like that."  I quickly look down to assure my zipper is all the way to the top. I make sure that the buttons on my shirt are not exposing anything. I feel my head to assure myself that I have combed my hair.  So then I glance at Bon and realize that she is shaking her head as she reaches out and starts to take off the tie I just barely tied around my fat neck.

At first I take offense, for I usually had to tie it about three times to get it the right length, but then I remind myself that she is just trying to make me socially accepted and not laughed at when I walk into work. I keep saying that no one looks at the color of my tie to see if I am wearing a yellow tie with a purple shirt, or a University of Utah tie on any blue shirt, or any color that does not seem to "fit" into some grandiose color scheme or into the book of  "WHAT COLOR TIE TO WEAR WITH WHAT COLOR SHIRT."  She says, "What you wear is a reflection on me."

Well I certainly don't want anyone to look at my star trek tie with a maroon shirt and have it reflected on Bon.  So I ask her which one I should wear.  She picks one out and says, "How nice."  I put it on, knowing I am cutting my days on earth down, but "happily?" head to work, hating the tie I have to wear.  I know that I won't do my work any better, and probably even worse.  But that is the society I live in.  I don't like ties, but I guess to fit in, to not reflect on Bon, and to be obedient I will still put on that neck choker before I go to work.